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I show up and other stories....

 Right here right now

Right here right now

When I was a child, my friends were into boys. I wasn't. At least not right then. I was too busy doing homework and reading and dreaming and writing poems and trying to learn English....and thinking how amazing my life would be once I spoke English and moved from Italy to England. 

 

My fuel and my saviour was that very passion to move abroad. 

 

My parents occasionally tried to hit me. But I ran too fast and mum's wooden Dr School's sandals were far too heavy to reach me! thankfully, I shall add. And I don’t even think they shouldn't have try to hit me. But then again, they probably never would have hit me if they caught me. It was all part of the Italian drama family set up. 

 

And then dad had his first heart attack in his forties and I remember praying God to let him live. And God listened and dad lived.

 

And then dad was sick again. And I prayed and it all went ok for a bit longer. I was afraid to lose my dad. The best dad ever. Generous, hard-working, kind and most importantly, a dad that would set me free. Only later I found out how hard it must have been to let me go and live my life. How selfless was dad!

 

After graduating I left Italy and worked at becoming an adult. By myself, abroad. 

I was lost. I was at times so depressed I would stay in the house for days. I refused to take medicines. I didn’t know what to do.

 

And then I realised I knew it. I went out bought lots of books and got help. I started showing up big time.

 

Somehow, I survived and I found myself again and ended up becoming an adult.

 

Since then, I’ve changed careers 4 times. I’ve changed some friends and kept some others. I have very good friends. I want to meet new people all the time. I love observing people. I am never bored. Alone or not. Never have felt bored, not once. I show up.

 

I’ve started 3 businesses, failed at 1. Written 1 book which I have never published. It's a good book so I have decided I will self-publish it one day soon. 

 

I’ve made and lost money. And then made it again. It was horrible but it was the best lesson I could give myself.  

 

Reading and learning saved me. 

 

And now dad is sick. He is very sick this time. He suffered a cardiac arrest about 3 months ago and he’s is in a state of mild consciousness. Unable to move and to eat and to speak. Only able to blink and to softly move his head. That is it. Weak and fragile in that hospital bed. Mum goes to see him every day. She would sleep there if they let her. She shows up there, no matter what.

 

And I feel lost again. Like that time when he had his first heart attack when I was 10. I pray, like back then. But now I am an adult and I know more and I have my kids to look after. So, every day when I wake up, I make a decision to keep showing up. Yet, I feel lost and cry. I cry a lot. But now I know the way forward and I want to help dad. I can’t. I travel to Italy, a lot. I give him love and peace and light.

 

I told him “thank you dad”.

Thank you for setting me free. For letting me go. For trusting me enough. For loving me like you did. For helping me become who I am and for many more things ….And thank you for always showing up in my life, even what I was a pain and rebellious and ungrateful daughter. Which I wasn’t by the way. I just needed someone to fight against... and you were right there. Showing up for me and letting me express myself fully. Thank you dad for the life you have give me.

And I go back and read some more.....

 

I read to keep sane and to keep reminding myself of what matters and what significance there is in all. I read to keep showing up in my life and I do keep showing up everyday. For me, for dad, for mum, for my kids...for those who rely on me.

 

I show up like dad showed up every day of his life. Good and bad days. He always kept going. At times he should have stopped but he didn’t.

 

Dad is really sick and I am sad so I go and read some more. I get up. I show up. Simple, but it isn't.

 

And here some of the books that I have come back to (as I do, time and time again for growth, for help and to continue hoping) hoping they can bring you comfort if you like me, choose to show up no matter what:

 

  • “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor Frankl.

 

  • “Conversations with God” Book 1, 2 and 3 by Neale Donald Walsh

 

  • “The Dip” by Seth Godin

 

  • “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert

 

  • “A Return To Love” by Marianne Williamson.

 

  • “The Power Of Intention” by Dr Wayne W. Dyer

 

  • “De Vita Beata” by Seneca

 On my bedside table right now

On my bedside table right now

 De Vita Beata By Seneca

De Vita Beata By Seneca

 The Dip by Seth Godin

The Dip by Seth Godin

Get over yourself to get over "it".

Really. I finally got over myself. I was so exhausted of going through the story of my life feeling sorry for myself.

In fact, I don’t even think I felt sorry for myself or was exhausted at all! On the contrary, I felt pretty special thinking my problems were so serious that they were bigger than yours, and yours and yours too!

I needed to feel so special that even my past and any minor issues related to it had become so precious to me I could not possibly let them go. It was my STORY after all! What would be left of me with those gone?!?

Not much I feared then! In fact, much more than I originally was- I would learn.

How significant did I feel in light of all my problems!! Soooo much.

But wait a sec!! What problems did I actually think I had...what was the amazingly elaborated story I had so well written and rewritten and expanded several times through the years?!

Oh, yes ! That I did not get praised for my achievements at school! Yes! Classic.

Convenient and handy one.

That really had got pretty huge in my “I have serious problems“ phase.

What else?! Of course! I was raised Catholic! Well, that was surely an enourmous problem to have. Truly! It that was quite the problem!

What an explosive recipe that was!! With all its generously mixed up and f*** up ingredients made of:

- 200kgs of guilt;

- 300kgs of confessing sins to a stranger business;

- 300000 Kgs if no sex before marriage;

- 4000kgs of only God can forgive me “stuff”;

Wow! How f*** up could and should anyone with a thinking brain be after that!?! Lots! And rightly so. Another convenient story there for me.

(*do not follow quantities above! Make up your own extremely free version of it. The result is the same fu**** up nothingness anyhow!)

How about the story of “the guy I spent 4 years with does not appreciate me in the way I need to be”?! 

“I am 30 and I do need to break up with him now?! Oh, but I still love him....or maybe never have...but what if nobody wants me or loves me or likes me?!” Wow! What a waste of tears those were! Truly!

Now....would I change it all if I could go back in time?

No! I’d for sure do it all over again because without those stories I would not have plunged to the depth of pain and therefore found myself.  Yet, there one thing I would do differently!!

I’d tell one thing to my 20 and 30 years old self: “get over it quick! It’s not that great of a story the one you are telling yourself“.

And now, on to what matters most: my kids.

Will I tell my kids “to get over themselves” once confronted with their own stories? 

Of course not! 

Sadly, this recipe only works when you tell yourself to get over yourself!

So, get going and enjoy getting over yourself. Your stories may feel special and precious but they aren’t which is not saying that YOU aren’t. On the contrary! Because you ARE unique as you are, you don’t need any story!

Makes sense! 

Those very stories are what is stopping you from getting where you want to get. 

‘Let the noise of the ego forever subside to the music of your soul’ 

Wow. Just made this up and I quite like it.

 Ok, better get over myself again!

Mucho amor amigos!

X

Lucia